Are you ready to wake up?

Here are three clues.

“It takes courage...to endure the sharp pains of self discovery rather than choose to take the dull pain of unconsciousness that would last the rest of our lives.” ― Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love

There is an old saying that only you will know when you are ready to wake up. And you will not know this until the time comes and the circumstances are ripe.

In my case it was fairly obvious. I did not feel I had a choice. I was on my knees. But there were some fairly obvious clues along the way that I want to share.

I recall when my husband and I were parting ways after twenty-two years together. Although I was sad and I truly thought we loved each other, I knew in my heart that I had to leave. I recall a marriage counsellor saying to the both of us: “You two are at a threshold in your life together. If you choose to stay together you will both need to do some serious work at self-discovery. You will need to look at the hidden things that are wreaking havoc. It’s not an easy path.”

Sadly, neither of us was prepared to do the work at that time in our lives. In fact, I doubt we had any idea what this work entailed. We decided to go our separate ways and as I look back, I know at a very deep level that the universe is leading each and every one of us toward the path of self-discovery and awakening, whether we like it or not.

Prior to that point in my life I was totally blind to the world of consciousness and blind to the pain I was feeling and causing. As an eternal optimist and an A-type personality, I just kept running full speed ahead – even if it was in the wrong direction! When problems surfaced, I applied the typical strategies of denial, avoidance and blame. I refused to admit that things were that bad and chalked my problems up to bad luck.

I thought I could handle anything by trying harder and pushing through. I tried to control almost everything so that nothing could go wrong. I worked like a maniac, not realizing that it was just one of my many ways of avoiding the real source of my problems. I ran faster and faster until I just couldn’t do it any more. I refused to believe that anything was wrong until everything fell apart. I left my marriage, quit writing and fell into a dark depression.

In Alcoholic Anonymous, the first of the twelve steps is admitting that our lives have become unmanageable and we are powerless over our addiction. As comedian Russel Brand puts it: we must admit we are fucked.  For me, I definitely felt that way. I was lost in a deep hole of existential despair and lost my reason for living. I kept thinking that life was a big waste of time. I stopped working. I stopped exercising. I left friendships.  

The only thing that I could physically do was read. And so I read. And read. I read everything I could get my hands on that could explain why I should keep on living. I read hundreds of books on everything from psychology, science, metaphysics, religious studies and philosophy.

Although many of us reach a point in our lives of deep despair, rarely do we have the time. effort or help to figure out what might be causing it. In my case there were three big clues that I was ready to do the work:

·       I was on my knees. I felt I had no choice. It was only from this dark place that I was finally willing to admit that nothing I had done so far had worked and that I could not do it on my own

·       I realized that nothing outside of me gave me lasting happiness – not a beautiful home, not a nice car, not even a loving partner and beautiful friendships.

·       I realized that I could no longer blame my problems on my job, my boss, my x-husband or any other life circumstances. I had to own it all.

It was at this point that I knew was ready to take full responsibility for my life.

Slowly I began to incorporate some of the recommended practices from my reading. I learned to meditate, journal; visualize and repeat affirmations (with feeling). I practiced yoga and I even wrote a book titled, Mindfulness Made Easy to remind me of my fifty favorite practices.

Yet even with all of these daily practices I often reverted to my old habits and patterns of thinking. I blamed myself for being a bad student, until I realized that what I was I dealing with something much deeper.

Hidden in the ancient books of the sages, I found the deepest wisdom of all time. This was the knowledge of consciousness, non-duality and self-inquiry– the secrets of waking up!  In these texts I finally figured out why I felt such a deep level of suffering and why it was so hard for me to change. More importantly, I discovered the truth about being human and the real way to joy and happiness.

Stay tuned.

In my next entries I talk about:

• Why waking up is so vital right now.

• Why it has taken humans so long to wake up.

• Why waking up is so difficult.

Thank you for joining me.