How to stop your ego from ruining your life
Blaming- The second red flag of your ego
“Once we click into solid views of justification and blaming, our minds become very small. Closing down in any form causes suffering to escalate.“ Pema Chodron
In this article I describe the second of the five red flags of ego-based behaviors: blaming. As you will see, blaming causes endless suffering, but can avoided with awareness and skill.
Remember that these five red flags (Judging, Blaming, Seeking, Controlling and Regret/Worry) all result from the ego’s desperate need to feel safe and stay in control. Your ego thinks that by engaging in these behaviors, you will be safe. This is a lie and until you let go of your ego, it will control and limit you.
So what is blaming? Blaming means holding someone or something responsible for you, your problems and your reactions. This includes blaming people and blaming circumstances; or anything external to you.
This is a very difficult concept for most of us to understand because we have been programmed to blame. For example, if someone offends you or insults you, you “naturally” think that they are to blame for how you feel. You think that they caused you to feel bad. We say things like, “You made me angry.”
But the truth is that they did not make you angry. You made yourself feel angry. Your anger is actually taking place inside your own body. It’s an emotion that emerged inside of you. It’s just your response to what was said by someone else. On a different day, the very same comment might not make you angry at all.
“As long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering – the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you are suffering in paradise.“ Byron Katie.
This idea of non-blaming is critical to taking back your power from your egoic mind. In his book, “Perfect Love,” John Welwood lists several reasons why your egoic mind loves to blame others. He suggests that we cling to grievances because they serve a purpose. Here are a few of his reasons:
It makes us feel right and righteous
It’s a way of gaining sympathy
It shifts the blame and responsibility for change onto others
It gives us a sense of power which protects us from feeling vulnerable
It’s a way of standing up for ourselves and not getting walked over
It’s a way of defending ourselves from hurt, disappointment or rejection
It prevents those who hurt us from getting “off the hook”
It provides a sense of identity
It’s a way of bonding with those who have the same complaint
It provides a unifying story amid chaos
It releases us from taking responsibility for our actions
Note: This list matches closely to the three roles of the ego (e.g. the ego creates an identity, reinforces it and defends it). Blaming is one of the protective personality’s main tools.
The reason blaming is so harmful is that it prevents you from seeing the truth of what is actually happening. It hides the truth. In our confusion we can’t see what is below the surface and thus we end up creating more problems.
When you refuse to blame you gain enormous clarity and can respond in a more authentic, powerful and caring way. You can see more clearly without all the drama. One of my favorite books that helps with this is, “Loving What Is” by Byron Katie. Her four-step process changed my whole outlook on the importance of taking full responsibility for ourselves and our thoughts.
It takes real effort and courage
This concept of accepting full responsibility, however, can take significant effort since we are changing a deeply instilled out-dated habit. Here is a recent conversation that demonstrates this:
John: My two brothers are ganging up on me again. They won’t let me see my mother. I am so angry. They have always picked on me.
Me: Do you think your brothers are to blame for how you feel?
John: Yes. They caused me to feel this way. If they had included me I would not be angry. I am not blaming. I am just stating the facts. These are the things that my brothers are actually doing. It’s not my opinion. It is reality.
Me: How about instead of talking about what they are doing (which often leads to blaming), focus only on yourself. Try to describe what you are thinking, what you are feeling and what you are assuming. Try to describe the impact on you. Don’t mention them at all and use the word “I” and see what happens.
John: Okay. I am so frustrated. I hate my brothers. I think that they have always hated me and are they are trying to hurt me. I miss my mother and want to be with her. I feel ignored and do not think anyone is listening to me or cares about me.
Me: How does it feel when you say the word “I.” Is it uncomfortable? Did you notice how you surfaced your hidden thoughts and feelings? Did it help you see that there is lots going on inside of you? Can you see how your thoughts are happening IN your mind and your emotions are happening IN your body? Your assumptions are happening IN your brain. This means YOU have complete control over them. You don’t have to be angry.
John: Wow, that feels so freeing. So empowering. I actually do have control over my feelings. Better yet, I don’t feel I have to control my brothers anymore or tell them what to do. I just have to be much more clear about my needs.
When we blame someone, we are essentially saying to that person, “You are wrong, I am right. and you must change to suit me.” Think about that for a second. When is the last time someone told you that you must change for them? How did it feel? Were you motivated to change for them?
We all know the adage: “You can only change yourself.” We all know that we can’t force someone to change. People either want to change or they don’t. They must do it on their own. The most we can do is describe the ways in which others are impacting us (e.g, when you yell at me I feel angry), but it’s critical to know that they are not to blame or responsible for our feelings.
When you own your own thoughts, feelings and beliefs (and don’t blame), you gain control and peace. You also gain a fresh perspective on the situation and thus are more open to other ideas and options.
Some people are almost addicted to blaming and will refuse (often aggressively) to accept full responsibility! This is important to notice because when our ego admits she is wrong, it actually feels like dying! It’s actually the death of your ego that is causing the pain!
This is why so many people fall into “victim mentality” and find it impossible to apologize or say sorry. To do so actually feels too painful – to your ego - but it will never be painful to your true self.
In his book, “Letting Go” David Hawkins explains why it is so hard to admit we are wrong. He says it often feels like a gut punch and often shameful. This is because our ego identifies with our thoughts. He says that although it is okay to hold strong opinions and seek material things, if the ego identifies with any of these things, we get into trouble. He describes this here:
“Because they [people, things or ideas] are unconsciously utilized to fill an inner need, they come to be identified as “mine.” As more energy is poured into them, there is a transition from identifying with the external objects as “mine” to being an actual extension of “me.” Loss of the object or the person [through divorce or death] is experienced as a loss of own self and an important part of our emotional economy. “
In other words, the more we invest in our ideas (or anything external to ourselves) the more painful it is when they get questioned or challenged. Plus we fear losing them, as Hawkins says, “Attachment creates a dependency, and dependency, because of its nature, intrinsically carries a fear of loss.“
So if you find yourself blaming, just notice it. Notice how it feels to blame and how it feels to take full responsibly. Don’t be surprised when your ego freaks out. Slowly as you put your ego in her proper place, you will feel less inclined to blame others and will actually welcome these opportunities to look at yourself. You will feel free and at peace.
Here are some examples of non-blaming behaviours:
I take full responsibility for all my actions
If someone irritates me, I look to myself for the cause
I take responsibility for my errors and mistakes
I admit when I am wrong
I apologize for causing harm
I see problems from several angles
I do not blame others or circumstances for my situation
In my next entries I talk about:
Red Flag number 3: Endless seeking
Red Flag number 4: Controlling
Red Flag number 5: Regret and Worry
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