The five harms of the Shadow

Why doing shadow work is vital to your happiness

“You will discover that your wounding is not a fault or a defect but rather a guiding compass that can lead to greater connectedness.“ John Welwood (Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships)

In my prior article, I explained how the Shadow works. In this article, I describe the specific harms that result from the Shadow. My aim is to motivate you to investigate your Shadow, sooner than later.

In my prior article I used the example of my daughter to describe how the Shadow forms.  She was upset because she was not invited to her best friend’s birthday party. That example demonstrated that:

• the Shadow forms when you create beliefs and fears (usually in childhood);

• these beliefs and fears get buried in the Shadow (psyche);

• you then start acting as if those beliefs and fears are true.

The example showed that until you deal with your Shadow, these hidden beliefs and fears keep expanding and impacting you. It also showed that the Shadow causes the following impacts:  

·       It causes emotional distress;

·       It creates intense and low-grade fears;

·       It creates a mental protective “suit of armor;”

·       It creates a self-fulfilling prophecy and limiting beliefs; and

·       It hides strengths and wisdom.

Each of these is described here.

The most obvious harm of the Shadow is the emotional distress. This explains why so many people are anxious and stressed and often turn to pharmaceutical drugs to resolve the pain. Most have no idea that old memories and fears in the Shadow are playing out or how to deal with them.

Curiously, the main reason why these memories cause so much pain is not because they will necessarily be painful today or that we cannot handle them. Instead, it is the FEAR of the possibility of painful feelings that causes the most stress. It is the fear of the fear! We think they that these painful memories will overwhelm us and maybe kill us, because that’s how it felt to us as a child. It is this fear that causes us to freak out, shut down and avoid doing the work needed to resolve it, as described here:

“Your heart is attempting to pull back from what it’s experiencing and protect itself so that it doesn’t have to experience that feeling again. You do this because you can’t handle the pain you are feeling. As long as you can’t handle the pain, you will react by closing in order to protect yourself. Once you close, your mind will build an entire psychological structure around your closed energy.  … If you buy into this it will become part of you. For years the pain will remain inside and actually become one of the building blocks of your entire life.“ Michael Singer (Untethered Soul)

This fear, unfortunately, causes us to build a suit of armor around our hearts. This causes us to close off. Although the fear might be small to begin with, without addressing it, we allow it to grow and then build a wall around it so that we don’t feel it again. We effectively close our hearts, block all feelings from coming in and also block feelings from going out. This all happens because we are too afraid to look at our pain. We live our lives in fear of this pain because we don’t have the courage and self-compassion needed, as explained here:

“The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes.“ Pema Chodron

Another harm caused by the Shadow is intense fear. Without being fully aware of what is happening, a situation can provoke intense feelings of overwhelm, fear or anxiety. At some level, your body senses the buried unconscious memory and activates your nervous system. It does this in order to alert you to possible danger - whether real or perceived.  If you are not aware that you Shadow is acting out, you will have no idea where these terrible feelings and fears come from.

To make matters worse, your egoic mind (which is already in fear) will stop you from looking at the fear at all. The ego stands directly in the way of healing and Shadow work because to the egoic mind, pain is unbearable. The ego never wants to feel emotional pain and will keep you away from it and unconscious of it for as long as possible, as explained here:

“The pain-body, which is the dark Shadow cast by the ego, is actually afraid of the light of your consciousness. It is afraid of being found out. Its survival depends on your unconscious identification with it, as well as your fear of facing the pain that lives in you. But if you don’t face it, if you don’t bring the light of your consciousness into the pain, you will be forced to relive it again and again.“ Eckhart Tolle (A New Earth)

In addition to intense fears, many people suffer from low-grade fears for extended periods of time. This fear creates a mental treadmill in which we are constantly running from something invisible. We sense that something could go wrong at any moment, thus we can never relax and never enjoy the moment. In this state of low-grade fear, we suffer psychological burnout by living on high alert more than the physical body can handle. This state is described here,

“So people who have suppressed something are always sitting on those suppressed things, and thy are always afraid. They can not relax. Why has relaxation become so difficult? Why can’t you sleep? …Because you have suppressed so many things. You are afraid that if you relax, they will come up.” Osho

Another problem with the Shadow, is that it creates a self-fulfilling prophecy and reinforces limiting beliefs.

For example, a simple belief such as “I am not good enough” gets strengthened and becomes your reality.  If you believe you are not worthy, you act as though you don’t deserve things and reject the benefits that life offers. You might, for example, reject a free holiday, not feeling you deserve it. As well, you attract life experiences that match that frequency or are consistent with that belief – such as poverty. Then, when you attract it, you gain confirmation of that belief. It becomes proof (to your egoic mind) that you are not good enough.  

As described above, when my daughter did not get invited to the party, she could see it as proof that she is not worthy of friendships. Thus, she might start to change her looks or behaviours in order to fit. Or she might do the opposite and give up on fitting in and instead attract friends who also have low self esteem.

Neither solution is optimal. If she stays in the group, she compromises; if she leaves (while not fully loving herself) she will lower her expectations and start accepting poor treatment from others. She will accept less when she feels less worthy. And, to add salt to the wound, when others treat her badly she will see this as evidence of her guilt. It will be proof that she is not worthy of love. Her Shadow will be reinforced. If she does not feel the feelings fully and instead supresses them, things get worse, as explained here by Osho (Trust):

“You will supress it and the more you supress, the more anger will move to the very roots of your being. Then you will not be sometimes angry and sometimes not angry; if you have suppressed too much, you will be “continuously” angry. It will become your blood, it will spread into all your relationships.“

The final problem of the Shadow is that it often hides your strengths and wisdom. As a child, your strengths or brilliance might have been too overwhelming or intimidating to others. For example, your brother or sister might have seen you as too smart, or too strong or too beautiful, causing you to want to hide these attributes. The problem is that you not only supress your positive aspects but actually fear them surfacing. Author Sara Avant Stover suggests that for many of us, our deepest wisdom is hiding in our Shadow:

“She [your Shadow] holds the essence and your capacity to be deeply intimate with all of life. Within her lives your creation, passion, sense of wonder, awe and magic. She also carries your most evolved intuitive capacities in her ability to be exquisitely aware of everything around her. She holds within you the treasures you are seeking. Her answers are usually so right-on and surprising.“

The bottom line is that your Shadow and its hidden fears and beliefs work behind the scenes to run your life and create your reality. Specifically, your Shadow causes the following problems: emotional distress; intense fears; low-grade fears; a mental suit of armor; self-fulfilling prophecies; and limiting beliefs. It also hides your strengths and wisdom. This is why surfacing and integrating your Shadow is critical for your sanity and your journey to creating a full and blissful life.

Stay tuned.

In my next entries I talk about:

• How triggers and projection help surface the Shadow

• How to integrate your Shadow   

This is an excerpt from my upcoming book: “Wake the F Up.” Thanks for joining me on the journey! This substack is completely supported by you the readers. The best way to support me is to buy my books, invite me to speak or become a subscriber here.