“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.” Rumi
A few days ago, Jim, a friend of mine, lied to me. To my face. I was furious. I confronted him and he denied it. We are now at a standstill. What can I do? The answer is always: wake up (and self-inquire).
Here are some suggested steps.
Step 1. Admit that everything is for you
When you are awakening one of the FIRST things you learn is that everything is FOR YOU. All the situations, all the people, all the struggles, all the joys. As I often say: EVERYTHING IS ON YOUR STAGE. In fact, “owning it” is the first step in my 5-step process in my book (“Wake the F Up” in draft).
So, I followed my own advice and, after calming down, I admitted that this situation was NOT about Jim lying, but rather was an opportunity to see my own unconscious baggage. It was a chance to clear out old fears and beliefs that are holding me back and no longer serving me.
So here is what happened:
First, I realized that I automatically judged him and blamed him. I also noticed how good it felt to be the judge. I felt self-righteous. I thought things like: He is a selfish liar. He’s only interested in himself. He should come clean and apologize.
Second, I realized that I automatically blamed myself as well. I thought things such as: I was stupid to have trusted him. I’ll never trust anyone ever again. I am so naïve to be trusting.
Third, I realized that I was emotionally overwhelmed. I could not think straight and I felt like I wanted to run away, cry or hide. Clearly, he had hit a trigger in me.
These three clues are vital because they show that I am under the trance of my egoic state of mind. My head is metaphorically up my butt. I can’t actually see what is really going on.
Step 2. Do not react but rather inquire
So, needless to say it is critical to NOT REACT on the spot. Wait for a while, preferably overnight, and then pull out a piece of paper and do your self-inquiry. (I will tell you all about my own inquiry in another post, but I want to tell you where I ended up.)
The next day I decided to do something OPPOSITE to what my ego told me to do. Instead of demanding an apology from him, I decided to apologize to him. Stay with me.
I knew from my work as a lawyer, that saying sorry is an essential ingredient to a healthy relationship. Not only can a proper apology repair injury but it will also enhance understanding and thus bring people closer together.
Step 3. Don’t avoid it or fake it
Sadly, many of us just hope that things will go way with time. But they don’t. We hope everyone will forget. But they don’t. This is why an apology is so powerful. It’s quick and clean.
But it’s not easy. Many of us struggle with saying sorry. It’s hard to admit that we did something wrong. In fact, may people think they are apologizing but they are not. Here are some examples of apologies. Try to figure out which were not effective and why.
· “SOOOOORY.”
· “Sorry, but it was your fault, too.”
· “Sorry, it’s unfortunate it happened.”
· “Sorry, it could not have been prevented.”
· “Sorry, you must feel terrible.”
· “I wish it hadn’t happened.”
· “What a stupid fool I am.”
· “I won’t make that mistake again.”
Many people simply say sorry or, worse yet, make an excuse or offer a lukewarm apology. These attempts not only fail, but can-do serious harm. This type of apology can even close down communication as it’s seen as a double offense. As you can see from the list above, some apologies are not only ineffective and insulting, but often cause even more harm by refusing to take responsibility and even blaming the injured person.
Step 4. Offer a 3-part apology
To be effective, an apology must have three things: Regret, Acknowledgment and a Promise (RAP). You must show the other person you regret having caused the situation, indicate you understand the impact and demonstrate how you will repair the situation and prevent it from happening again. Here is an example of RAP.
Regret: “I am sorry, Jim. I jumped to a conclusion yesterday and accused you of lying. It was an inappropriate reaction and I want to make things right.”
Acknowledgment: “I know how that must feel (to think someone does not trust you) and I know how important trust in an any relationship.”
Promise: “I respect you. I want to hear your perspective. Please tell me what was going on for you and I promise not to jump the gun next time.”
As you can see, a proper apology includes an admission that you hurt someone or did something “wrong” and want to make it better. This is why you would never say, “It is unfortunate that...” or “I am sorry that you feel that way.” These examples do not admit any responsibility for the harm caused! In effect we are acknowledging we are human and fallible.
A proper apology also involves emotions. By acknowledging the impact of your actions, you are usually talking about feelings. It is not enough to say, “I know what I did hurt you.” You must say specifically what you did and how it harmed the other person. This is a demonstration of empathy and is the key to a successful apology.
Finally, an apology includes repairing harm and promising to ensure it does not happen again. You can do this by showing how you will fix things or make things right and how you can prevent it in the future. This not only solidifies your shared understanding about what went wrong but also shows that you are committed to a better future.
Over time, with practice, the ability to admit an error and apologize comes more easily.
Step 5. Forgive and move on
The secret to reconnecting is by forgiving – yes, forgiving. Although most people struggle with forgiveness, it is necessary to not just free ourselves of angst, but also to rebuild connections. When we are hurting, it is often the furthest thing from our minds. Yet forgiveness can be a miracle cure for conflict, hatred, jealousy and many other ailments.
Forgiveness works to heal relationships; it releases the grip of anger and disappointment that tends to cause us all to behave badly and cling to the past. It also builds self-esteem and confidence as we take ownership for our own contribution to the conflict.
When an apology is done properly, harm can be repaired almost instantaneously and forgiveness can happen, almost automatically.
The cost is too high to harbor bad feelings
Although apologies look simply, they are rarely easy, but the cost to relationships of not dealing with hurt feelings is extraordinarily high. Lingering bad feelings will often lurk below the surface and create tension in a perfectly healthy relationship. It’s never too late to say you are sorry.
The bottom line is that when someone lies to you, do not react but rather self-inquire. Once you do the work of self-inquiry (my 5-steps is one example) and figure out why you were triggered, you can actually see things for what they really are. You can take a fresh approach.
Keep in mind that although the person may be lying, it is NOT your role to change them. It’s your role to show up as your true (non-ego driven) self and be open and responsive to the truth of what is happening. Without judging, blaming and freaking out. Each person must to come to their own realization at their own pace.
So, if you are confronted with a “liar. offering an apology, although a most unexpected thing, opens you up to seeing the situation in a new light. It allows the other person a chance to explain the truth of what was going on. More importantly, it helps release the lurking bad feelings. If you can forgive (as best you can) you will be more able to move on and feel much lighter as a result.
If you want to learn more about my work and books please visit my website (www.MaureenFitzgerald.com).
How to deal with a liar